Category Archives: Funny stuff

How to Navigate the Holidays as a Vegetarian

Most of the year, being a vegetarian (or vegan) is little more than a minor inconvenience. After all, you have complete control over what goes into your shopping cart, refrigerator and, inevitably, digestive system.

But around the holidays, things get a little more complicated. When faced with potlucks, buffets and grandma’s kitchen, herbivores can end up feeling like Justine Sacco after her plane landed. Shit out of luck.

What follows is a holiday survival guide for non-meaters.

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World Cat Congress Coming to Miami

Life without cats would be, well, catastrophic. It’s hard to imagine how we survived the pre-internet dark ages without Grumpy Cat, kitten GIFs, and I Can Has Cheezburger.

If you’re a feline fanatic, you might wanna sit down. Come March 2014, the World Cat Congress is coming to Miami for the first (and possibly last) time ever. Basically, it’s four pawsitively packed days of cat shows, cat seminars, cat parades, cat shopping, and all things cat. Meow, brace yourselves for cute overload of the kitty kind.

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Boozy Dad? Immature Dad? Deadbeat Dad? Here’s What to Get Him

Father’s Day is this Sunday, and it’s an obligatory holiday. One exception: If you’re a fetus whose dad has dubbed himself “Yeezus,” you have our permission to ignore the holiday from now until forever.

But for the rest of us, it’s time to start the mad scramble for a last-minute gift. This isn’t like Mother’s Day — cheap carnations and a brunch buffet aren’t gonna wow padre. So we put together a list of the best swag to get your pops, based on his defining characteristics.

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Handicapped Pig Chris P. Bacon on Pork, Charlotte’s Web and Pigs on the Moon

If you’re anything like us, baby pandas, huggable lions and sleepy puppies are pretty much the only thing that keep you from Gary Busey-style psychosis. Thank God for the Internet and its treasure trove of happy places. Its latest aww-inspiring specimen: Mr. Chris P. Bacon, pig on wheels.

At one-day-old, the Clermont, Florida, piglet was brought in to be euthanized due to a pair of non-functional hind legs. Luckily, veterinarian Dr. Len Lucero was wooed by Chris’ epic cuteness. He fashioned a makeshift wheelchair out of K’nex toys, shot some video, and 902,000 views later, Chris P. is the cutest thing the world has ever seen.

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Snarky questions for author Stephenie Meyer

For Twi-hards everywhere, there’s only one deity worth worshiping, and she’s a brown-haired, Mormon mother of three from Hartford, Connecticut. We’re speaking, of course, of Stephanie Meyer, New York Timesbestselling author and instigator of the biggest mass psychosis since the re-election of George W. Bush.

Meyer, unarguably one of the world’s most famous writers, is making an appearance atBooks & Books in Coral Gables on Tuesday, February 19. And for members of Team Edward and Team Jacob, she’ll be signing copies of her books and making tween dreams come true.

Twi-hards we are not. But we do have ten pressing questions for the woman who single-handedly hijacked pop culture for the past four years (at least). So for those who plan to brave the fandom, we’ve put together a handy list of things to say to the wordsmith herself.

10. You realize the dream dude you manifested for pre-pubescent girls is totally a pedophile, right?
A 109-year-old undead man watching a 17-year-old sleep, stalking her, seducing her, then wrecking her womb with his freakish baby is wrong on more levels than we can possibly address. Then, a buff, sexually-virile werewolf falls in love with a baby. We’re seeing a pattern here.

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Creepy foods for Halloween

Let’s face it – a party is an exercise in one-upmanship. If you don’t impress your neighbor, your college roommate and the guy who sits in the cube across from you, it was a failed proposition. And when it comes to grown up Halloween parties – the ickier, the better. (Unless you’re the squeamish type, in which case, stick to cupcakes and pumpkin pie.)

As kids, spaghetti entrails and peeled grape eyeballs might have cut it, but as adults, it’s time to upgrade to some seriously creepy Halloween grub. We’re talking bloody hearts, oozing brains and dismembered heads. Yum.

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Food fails list

When it comes to our favorite brands, it seems we’re more likely to remember the epic successes (Doritos Locos Tacos anyone?) than the equally epic failures. But failures, there are aplenty.

Dangerous, disgusting, or just plain absurd, these gastronomic gaffes may be fun to laugh at now, but it wouldn’t be so amusing if we were all forced to drink New Coke, now would it?

From Four Loko to KFC’s Double Down, here’s our round up of some of the food industry’s most notorious creations.

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Irony of ‘artisan’ humor list for New Times’ Short Order blog

Artisan is the new organic — the of-the-minute foodie terminology that means next to nothing as far as the actual food is concerned. After all, there’s nothing to stop your average corporate suit from slapping the termartisanal on a bag of pork skins or a can of Spam.

Experts’ opinions on the matter vary. Some claim that as long as it originated with a hand-crafted process and recipe, it counts. Others say the term is applicable only to actual small-batch operations. But few would dispute that it definitely doesn’t apply to anything churned out by Frito-Lay, Domino’s, or even the “socially conscious” Starbucks.

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Creepy toys list for New Times’ Cultist blog

Childhood should be a time of innocence, joy, and wonder. But for generations, toy-makers have tortured impressionable children with the likes of terrifying playthings that would strike fear into the heart of Chuck Norris himself.

One such toy, the Furby, is making a modern-day return to toy-store shelves. (We weep for children everywhere.)

In honor of the furry little freak’s plan to creep out a whole new generation of wee ones, we’ve procured a collection of the scariest toys from our childhoods that would make even Superman shudder.

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Miami Heat art round-up for New Times Cultist blog

What have you done for your Miami Heat lately? Cheered them on from your couch? Spilled beer on yourself while pointing out missed fouls at Will Call? Bitched about Spoelstra on sports talk radio?

Pathetic.

When it comes to professional athletics, rabid fandom knows no bounds. Truly die-hard supporters are willing to take it to the limit in celebration of their chosen team, be it through homo-erotic tribute tattoos, custom Crown Victorias or body paint (sans anything else). But aside from people engaged in ridiculous, often-distracting antics that involve personal glory (we’re looking at this guy), some of these fan-atics actually have talent and choose to channel that energy into more aesthetically appealing pursuits.